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WILDER AND WILDER
This is the scene where Holly Woodlawn (the "Alice" archetype) meets up with the White Knight and has quite a time of it all. The White Knight eventually breaks out into a rendition of "Everybody Out" by Mailbox.
White Knight:
Ahoy! Ahoy! Check! (The White Knight, dressed in white, also riding a white horse, gallops on. His horse is covered in stuff, including a folding chair, a guitar, an African talking drum, a beehive, and a mousetrap. It has large metal anklets on its feet. The knight has an open, empty backpack strapped to his back, upside down.)

White Knight:
You're my prisoner! (He promptly falls off his horse, and gets back on.) Ahoy! Ahoy! It's Check! You're my… (He falls off his horse again. He stands up.) You're my prisoner! Is that all right with you?

Holly:
I don't know. I don't want to be anyone's prisoner. I want to be a Queen.

White Knight:
Well then, you shall. I'll see you safely out of here.

Holly:
Thank you very much. May I help you off with your helmet?

White Knight:
Thank you. (As she does so) Ah! Now one can breathe more easily! (Holly notices the backpack) Ah, I see you're admiring my pack! It's my own invention- to keep clothes and sandwiches in. You see I carry it upside down, so that the rain can't get in.

Holly:
But the things can get out. Do you know that it's open?

White Knight:
I didn't know it! (Taking it off and looking at it) Then all the things must have fallen out! And the bag is no use without them. (Goes to throw it away, then thinks better of it, and hangs it on a tree (or a wall, or whatever).) Do you know why I did that?

(Holly shakes her head)

White Knight:
In hopes that some bees might make a nest in it- then I should get the honey.

Holly:
But you've got a bee-hive, or something like one, fastened to the saddle.

White Knight:
Yes, it's a very good bee-hive, only, no bees have settled there yet. And the other thing is a mousetrap. I suppose the mice keep the bees out- or the bees keep the mice out- I don't know which.

Holly:
I was wondering what the mousetrap was for. It isn't very likely that there would be any mice on a horse's back.

White Knight:
Not very likely, perhaps, but if they do come, I don't choose to have them running all about. You see, it's as well to be provided for everything. It's better to have it and not need it, then to need it and not have it. That's why the horse has those anklets about its feet.

Holly:
Why?

White Knight:
To guard against the bites of sharks. It's an invention of my own. And now help me on (the horse). I'll go with you to the end of the wood.

(He falls off his horse. Holly helps him back on. He falls off again. Holly helps him back on. He falls off again.)

Holly:
(As she helps him back on) I'm afraid you haven't had much practice in riding?

White Knight:
What makes you say that?

Holly:
Because people don't fall off quite so often, when they've had a lot of practice.

White Knight:
I've had plenty of practice. Plenty of practice!

Holly:
Indeed?

(Pause. They walk.)

White Knight:
The great art of riding is to keep...

(He falls off the horse. Holly helps him back on.)

Holly:
I hope no bones are broken?

White Knight:
(Carelessly) None to speak of. The great art of riding, as I was saying, is: to keep your balance properly. Like this, you know...

(He demonstrates, lifting his hands from the horse, and promptly falls off again.)

White Knight:
(As Holly helps him back on) Plenty of practice, plenty of practice...

Holly:
Really, you should get a toy horse, on wheels.

White Knight:
Does that kind go smoothly?

Holly:
Much more smoothly than a real horse.

White Knight:
I shall get one. One or two. Several.

(Pause. They continue walking.)

White Knight:
I'm very good at inventing things. Now, I daresay you noticed, the last time you picked me up, that I was looking a little thoughtful?

Holly:
You were a little grave, yes.

White Knight:
Well, just then I was inventing a new way of getting over a gate- would you like to hear it?

Holly:
(Politely) Very much indeed.

White Knight:
I'll tell you how I came to think of it; you see, I said to myself, "the only difficulty is with the feet: the head is high enough already." Now, first I put my head on top of the gate- then the head's high enough- then I stand on my head- then the feet are high enough, you see- then I'm over, you see.

Holly:
Yes, I suppose you'd be over when that was done, but don't you think it would be rather hard?

White Knight:
I haven't tried it yet, so I can't be certain, but I'm afraid it would be a little hard.

(pause)

White Knight:
You are sad. Let me sing you a song to comfort you.

Holly:
Is it very long?

White Knight:
It's long, but it's very, very beautiful. Everybody that hears me sing it- either it brings the tears to their eyes, or else...

(pause)

Holly:
Or else what?

White Knight:
Or else it doesn't, you know. The name of the song is called "FBI".

Holly:
Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?

White Knight:
No, you don't understand. That's what the name is called. The name really is "Sometimes".

Holly:
Then I ought to have said, "That's what the song is called"?

White Knight:
No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing. The song is called "The Freak Show", but that's only what it's called, you know!

Holly:
Well, what is the song, then?

White Knight:
I was coming to that. The song really is "Everybody Out": and the tune's my own invention.

(He takes the guitar off the horse, and begins to play, quietly.)

White Knight:
Sometimes, I need to imagine
That the FBI is following me
Guns and bugs and darkest shades
Pig-Latin codes on walkie-talkies, Oh

Sometimes, Sometimes, I...

Sometimes, Sometimes, I...

(His horse takes the talking drum and chair off its back, and sits down to accompany him.)

Sometimes, I need to pretend

I'm a hero of war that just wouldn't die
You gather around to hear my tales
Of when I stormed the hill or lost my eye, oh

Sometimes, Sometimes, I...

Sometimes, I need to dream.
Everybody... Everybody Out
Everybody out

(All the other characters enter, playing more instruments, kazoos, tambourines, or just "la la"ing.)

Sometimes, I wish it was me;

The lead story on 60 Minutes
"The boy with three arms" or of the like,
Either way, a freak show exhibit, Oh

Sometimes, Sometimes, I...

Sometimes, I need to dream.
Everybody... Everybody Out
Everybody out

(kazoo solo)

Sometimes, I wish I was you:

Standing on top of the world
For that chance, I'd do anything
If I could be a beautiful girl, Oh

Sometimes, Sometimes, I...

Sometimes, I need to dream.
Everybody... Everybody Out
Everybody out

(The others dance out slowly.) Everybody Out...

Everybody Out...
Everybody Out...
Everybody Out...

(Everybody is out. The horse puts his things away. The White Knight climbs back on his horse.)

White Knight:
You only have a little farther to go. Soon you'll be a Queen. Good luck.

(He gallops off. Blackout)